just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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