Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
