so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
