There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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