My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
