she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
