we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize