if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This house was built for laser tag.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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