At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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