he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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