My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
