I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sarcasm needs its own font
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
