I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
