i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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