Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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