He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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