My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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