who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize