Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
