I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
