My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
