i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
