I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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