i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
