Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
