I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
