why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He felt like a one man threesome
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize