I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
