i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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