In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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