I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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