While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
