I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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