Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
