You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
After last night, I could never be a politician.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
