Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
