Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
