come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
