All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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