ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
