It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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