my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
