do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
