I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
