Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
