We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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