Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
