Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
