Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
