Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
