If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
