And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
