I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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