The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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