I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
