Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
