the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
