why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
