dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
