Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
