I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
